Fear...
As I was walking to class today with on of my housemates, he asked me what I was excited about. The conversation had flowed fairly normally up to this point, but at this question my body reacted the way my mind did, and I stopped in the middle of the street, knowing that while I have amazing things coming very quickly on the horizon of my future, I was paralized to learn that my excitement was overtaken by fear. This certain friend is one of maybe 10 people that I know I can be completely honest with and not have any fear of pretense or worry of judgement were he to see the "real me," so I let him have it. I told him how every upcoming event in my life that I should be excited about is gripped with fear. I am getting married in exactly a month, and while that is so exciting, there is a uneasiness that has a choke hold on my spirit, and I worry about providing for my wife-to-be, how will I be a loving husband, what will life be like on the other side? The joys and anticipations are swallowed up in the unknown. Other areas also feel uncertain, like my search for a career. I am graduating, sort-of, in a few weeks, and still dont have a job lined up. I hope that the church I feel I am being called to, feels the same and returns intrest, but so far its been very sporadic, and I am uncertain, and therefore fearful. I feel naive and somewhat stupid for being so caught up in the possibilities. I have definately fallen in love with the students of this church, simply though a quasi-stalkerish rampage of viewing Myspace profiles and reading their thoughts and thinking about the possibilities of the future. The more I read, the more my heart yearns to be with them and live life with them, it all seems so beautiful. Yet, it is still uncertain.
Uncertainty is one of those crazy experiences that force me to depend on God in a real way. I so often find myself in a whirlwind of emotions, that are based on my inability to control my own life. I want to hold on with a tight grip, having everything happen when and where I want it to. People often say, "Everything happens for a reason," and while that might be a true in some senses, in the moment, the situation just looks like chaos. This chaos happened a lot in the Bible, and I remember one story where Paul is on a boat with a bunch of other guys and they get caught in a storm that is tearing the ship apart. As the story unfolds, the captain asks Paul what they should do, and he tells them that the ship and everything on it will be lost or destroyed, but all of them will live. So often I look at that situation and it parallels my own life, and I get so frusterated by it. I worked hard to get what I have, and I try to follow Godand do the right thing to the best of my ability, why should I loose what I worked so hard for. But in that frustration, I miss the beautiy of what God gives me in that moment. Just like in the story of Paul, God promises that though the situation is chaotic, that things will not go the way I plan, that through all that, I might loose everything else, but I will be given the chance to live. This is what it means to follow Christ. Faith is not a staic knowledge of what is real, but it is an active progression forward, even when I dont understand the situation or dont know where my foot will land. I am not saying that this makes anything better, or that the fear is not real. It is not like faith is a sedative that numbs me to the emotions I am feeling. They are real, and the fear and pain is real. But I move forward, faith in one hand and fear in the other...
As I was walking to class today with on of my housemates, he asked me what I was excited about. The conversation had flowed fairly normally up to this point, but at this question my body reacted the way my mind did, and I stopped in the middle of the street, knowing that while I have amazing things coming very quickly on the horizon of my future, I was paralized to learn that my excitement was overtaken by fear. This certain friend is one of maybe 10 people that I know I can be completely honest with and not have any fear of pretense or worry of judgement were he to see the "real me," so I let him have it. I told him how every upcoming event in my life that I should be excited about is gripped with fear. I am getting married in exactly a month, and while that is so exciting, there is a uneasiness that has a choke hold on my spirit, and I worry about providing for my wife-to-be, how will I be a loving husband, what will life be like on the other side? The joys and anticipations are swallowed up in the unknown. Other areas also feel uncertain, like my search for a career. I am graduating, sort-of, in a few weeks, and still dont have a job lined up. I hope that the church I feel I am being called to, feels the same and returns intrest, but so far its been very sporadic, and I am uncertain, and therefore fearful. I feel naive and somewhat stupid for being so caught up in the possibilities. I have definately fallen in love with the students of this church, simply though a quasi-stalkerish rampage of viewing Myspace profiles and reading their thoughts and thinking about the possibilities of the future. The more I read, the more my heart yearns to be with them and live life with them, it all seems so beautiful. Yet, it is still uncertain.
Uncertainty is one of those crazy experiences that force me to depend on God in a real way. I so often find myself in a whirlwind of emotions, that are based on my inability to control my own life. I want to hold on with a tight grip, having everything happen when and where I want it to. People often say, "Everything happens for a reason," and while that might be a true in some senses, in the moment, the situation just looks like chaos. This chaos happened a lot in the Bible, and I remember one story where Paul is on a boat with a bunch of other guys and they get caught in a storm that is tearing the ship apart. As the story unfolds, the captain asks Paul what they should do, and he tells them that the ship and everything on it will be lost or destroyed, but all of them will live. So often I look at that situation and it parallels my own life, and I get so frusterated by it. I worked hard to get what I have, and I try to follow Godand do the right thing to the best of my ability, why should I loose what I worked so hard for. But in that frustration, I miss the beautiy of what God gives me in that moment. Just like in the story of Paul, God promises that though the situation is chaotic, that things will not go the way I plan, that through all that, I might loose everything else, but I will be given the chance to live. This is what it means to follow Christ. Faith is not a staic knowledge of what is real, but it is an active progression forward, even when I dont understand the situation or dont know where my foot will land. I am not saying that this makes anything better, or that the fear is not real. It is not like faith is a sedative that numbs me to the emotions I am feeling. They are real, and the fear and pain is real. But I move forward, faith in one hand and fear in the other...
posted by Kurt and Katie at
2:16 PM
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